people, not my people

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I scroll through the photos of online reverie (see above) and I know many of them. Recognizable faces in recognizable places.  But I am not with them. I am not invited.

This is a phenomenon I just don’t quite understand. We are friendly enough with one another. Frequent the same places, share some of the same interests, ideas. And yet I have not made it into the ‘inner circle’.  I remain on the periphery looking into the snow globe of camaraderie wondering what it is exactly that I am missing the negates my entry.

This has been for quite some time a kind of mystery. What is it that causes admission to a ‘crowd’? To belong to something greater than one’s self that feels like belonging. That these become ‘my people’.

There have been moments, periods of time, of intense connection and spending time to the enth degree until something implodes and we all went our separate directions. All night drug-fueled antics, game playing parties, spending all possible waking moments together talking about something and nothing.  And then it became…nothing.  All parties gone to their own places on earth some never to be heard from again.

Why is that? What happened?

I can’t be sure. Some when off to find some sort of idyllic life they thought they would find somewhere else…somewhere greener, cleaner. I don’t know if they found it.  Some perished on the way. Accidents, drugs, guns, denial of truly living but living a lie instead.  The high school cliques just ended when school ended. Some friends endure, though barely. Forced together by geography back then, nothing compels us so strongly to stay connected as playing ‘Thriller’ or Glenn Miller when we were in band together.

And so it is that I seek ‘my people’.  They evade me, but I know they are out there. How will I know them? They are awake, aware, conscious of there being more than just a waking, working, and sleeping life we exist in. I will know there being no pretension, no bravado or need to tout a story of better-than another. They well laugh out loud, find the joy in mine, and invite me in without expectation.

These here, they are not people. And though it saddens me sometimes, its okay. They aren’t meant to be. There is more for me. More presence and joy and acceptance to find.

I will find you. No matter the cost, no matter how long it takes. Right on Long Rifle.


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