My sweet boy

Dear Kristopher,

I cannot stop thinking about our time in Florida, what we both experienced, and how to exorcise that thoughts that continue to ping around in my head. Interestingly, Pop Pop has not called or texted and though I’m not inclined to guess why, I like thinking he feels badly for what happened and doesn’t know what to do.

I didn’t know what to do on those two terrible days. I found myself paralyzed by not being able to stop the behavior of our family members and fearful of what would happen if I attempted to confront them.

You were just a boy being a boy at the beach, playing in the sand, meaning no harm and probably feeling only joy.  It hurts me deeply that I went walking instead of making sure you were safe. It hurts me that I didn’t leap to my feet and tell them all what selfish idiots they all were. I remain incredulous at how unaccepting, how unloving, unforgiving, selfish and mean they all were. I cannot forgive their brutality. I haven’t been able to forgive myself for not doing something, anything, to make them stop even though I know I might not have been able to.

You are a miraculous, loving being. So misunderstood, targeted at times, self destructive in others, and my greatest teacher.  So honest and forthright, there has been no one else so clear in their intention, struggles, demands, as you have been. The light in your eyes is magical and I have begun to live to see that light, the joy that you feel just permeating the air around you.

My sweet, sweet boy. I want to just protect you, hold you, laugh with you, make sure that everything and everyone you encounter appreciates your magic. I love you to the stars and back and even that does not say how much so clearly. You have helped me find my humanity, kindness, compassion and true love. It is because of you I am a better person.

Jumping Bean, I am sorry, I am grateful, I love you with all of my heart.



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